Baby Got Beard
by Katarina Freeman
Summary: A spoof. Done to the tune of Sir Mix-a-lot's "Baby Got Back," so I made it PG-13 just to be safe.


Baby Got Beard  
To the tune of Sir Mix-a-lot's "Baby Got Back"  
  
**Disclaimer:** "Baby Got Back" belongs to Sir Mix-a-lot, as well as some record company I'm sure. Dumbledore belongs to J.K. Rowling. Gandalf belongs to Tolkien, the folks who did a wonderful job on the movie, and probably even Burger King has a small claim on him. Merlin belongs to no one, because he has been around since the dawn of time, and is quite possibly still in our midst. But thank you T.H. White, Disney, and Marion Zimmer Bradley for painting such a wonderful picture of him.  
  
**Author's note:** OK, I'm not really this obsessed with hair. It just goes with the song. Throughout my hormonal life as a teenager I've managed to have crushes not on the typical medevil "hunks", but instead on Merlin, Gandalf, and Dumbledore (yes, I admit it). Hey, they're all funny, intelligent guys! Not to mention they aren't being written about in romances by hundreds of girls, so I get them all to myself! Anywho, I noticed last night while gazing happily at my new "Gandalf" backround that they all have enormous beards. I guess the song just zoomed out of nowhere at me because I suddenly found myself singing:  
  
Oh my god  
Becky, look at his beard  
It is SO big  
He looks like one of those ninth-level wizards  
Who understands those wizards anyway  
They only get girls by using spells and stuff  
I mean his beard  
It's just so big  
I can't believe it's so... gray  
It's just like, out there  
I mean, gross  
Look, he's just so... OLD  
  
I like big beards and I cannot lie  
You maidens now you can't deny  
That when a mage walks in  
Wit that pointed hat  
And that gray thing on display you get DID  
That is, Damsel In Distress  
Cause you know that you wanna be res-cued  
Deep in the them hairs he's wearing  
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring  
Oh, mage-y I wanna get with ya  
And paint your picture  
My handmaids try to warn me  
But that beard you got  
Makes me so horny  
Ooh, no visible skin  
From beneath that old guy's chin  
Well use me use me cuz you aint that average loopy  
  
I've seen them chantin  
And want to get romancin'  
He's tall. Thin. But without that beard he ain't nothin.  
  
I'm tired of magazines  
Saying cleanshaven is the thing  
Take this girl and tell her that  
And you'll get called a prat  
  
So damsels (yeah?) damsels (yeah?)  
Has your Prince Charming got a beard (What? Yuck!)  
Well that's super (whatever!) super (whatever!) cause that means there's more for me  
Baby got beard  
  
I like'em long and gray  
But white's OK  
Just as long as you got that hat  
I'm actin like an animal  
Now here's my scandal  
  
I wanna get you home  
And COMB, double up COMB COMB  
I aint talkin bout dwarf braids  
Those hot-tempered dudes can't kiss anyway  
I wannem real thick and hairy  
So find that hairy double  
Cinderella's in trouble  
Beggin for a piece of that stubble  
So I'm watchin D&D videos  
Knonkin these heros who shave even their toes  
You can have them heros  
I want my men who "incanto"  
A word to those great old wizards  
Yeah Dumbledore, Merlin  
And Gandalf too  
I gotta be straight when I say I wanna --  
Til the break of dawn  
They all got it goin on  
Alot of maidens won't like this song  
Cuz those girls like their men with strong chins  
But I'd kiss Albus anyday  
Cuz he's good  
And he's wise  
And he's got twinkling blue eyes  
  
So mages (yeah!) mages (yeah!)  
Will you save me from the Dragon's cages? (yeah!)  
Then storm the castle  
Wave it out  
And use that wand like 'ell  
Baby got beard  
  
Yeah baby  
When it comes to crushes?  
Aragorn ain't got nothin to do with my selection  
Less than two feet of hair?  
Ha ha, only if he's 2'3"  
  
So your baby has a clean chin  
And uses a sword for killin  
But swords ain't got no magic inside of them  
My tender lips they don't want non unless you got whiskers hun  
You can trim those little sideburns  
But please don't lose that beard  
Some damsels wanna be prissy  
And tell you that the beard is for a sissy  
So they toss it  
And leave it  
And I pull up quick to retrieve it  
So commoners call you Dingbat  
Well I ain't down with that  
Cuz your hair is gray and your power is awesome  
And I'm thinking I could use some  
  
To the muscular heros in Dragon Magazine,  
You aint it Mr. Thing  
I'd rather have a wizard  
Even if he's got a pet lizard  
So now I'm here in bliss  
With all the guys from my list  
Cause the girls don't see nothin in 'em  
And I pulled up quick to get with 'em  
So mages if the beard is LONG  
And you want to hear the rest of my song,  
Dial 1-900-CAMALOT and stroke that long white hair  
Baby got beard  
  
A/N: Please don't be an idiot. DON'T call 1-900-CAMELOT, because it doesn't exist, and if it does, well, you'll be in trouble. I'm not using it to promote any 900 number services, it just FITS with the song, OK? Geez, you people cause so much trouble. :-D  



End file.
